19 October 2011

A quiet protest

Brother holding his sister, 1996

Summer had turned seventy-six that year. Her hot embrace slowed us into a standstill. That’s when I found him. Faded. Green. Polished by sand and sea. My brother told me it was only rubbish, a piece of glass. Still, I knew better: I had found an emerald. Matt, trying to hide his sparkle. Too shy to be the gem he was. I loved him just the way he was. I was five and didn’t know yet we are expected to become.

I still find. Yet, most days I am found.  Too sensitive. Too direct. Too naive. Too shy. Too happy. Too sad. As if I’m solely made out of pluses and minuses. They cancel each other out until I dissolve into nothingness. Nothing, but always too. Were I to become, I’d be a success. I’d shine. Or so they tell me. Perfection knows no too. 

Society has become mercilessly malleable. Our potential has to be lived up to. Happiness must be created.  Yet, my potential likes to lie dormant at times. Often, I don’t even feel it’s there, simmering below my surface. And then, suddenly, it reappears. An unexpected, hungry visitor. A reason for a little celebration.  The cherry on my daily cake.  Until it says its goodbyes again.

The more I’m told to become, the less I am. I have no appetite for constant bliss. I like the rain. Leaves falling. Bittersweet, that’s how I like to take my life. But does that mean I don’t deserve to shine every now and again? Matt. Shy. Discreet. 

I want to be polished by whatever flows through me. Rubs against me. Sharp today. Round tomorrow. Stringing the beads onto the necklace that is my life.


erleichda said...

you write wonderfuly.
people are real. not something that came out of magazine pictures. shinny. bright. plastic.
you are real.
you are somebody.
with feelings. culture. ideas. life.
in my eyes you shine all the time.

Carole Reid said...

E. you really do write beautifully! You sound perfectly lovely to me.

Anonymous said...

that is beautifully written!

E. said...

Dear ladies, thank you so much for your kind words. They warm my heart!

x E.

agnes szucs said...

i'm about to respond to this... just can't put it into words... yes, you do write wonderfully... i still have to search for words in my mind when it comes to english... i can't express myself so easily.

well, i guess i just wanted to say that in a way, we're so much alike... especially this duality... and that dormant thing... i feel i'm nobody, and then i feel i'm as good a designer as the best ones in the world... well, actually i feel these things all at the same time, not one after the other...